“How can they think that you want to marry them just because you were friendly?” She asked. “I am a woman and i know what i mean”. “There must be something you did that passed on the message”.
How are you Iyke? I just got married last 2 months and we are still enjoying our honey moon. I enjoy your stories and i decided to write you mostly because my wife and i have argued over this subject. “Do men really lead women on or women just chose what they want to believe”?
I work with a bank and my office is at trade fair and i live in Festac which is also where my church is. I am in my church’s workforce and i’ve been a worker for many years. I began as an usher before i was transferred to the choir dept. I am still fully in the choir. So i can say i’ve been a worker for 6 years. I have a lot of friends in church, both male and female. I must say though that i flow more with the ladies.
Being an eligible bachelor in church where there are so many single sisters is not easy Iyke. I know you asked me to explain so i will try..lol. (1) Many of the ladies will hide their real character because of the ‘church settings’ so you cannot really tell if they are real. Because they are ready to get married, they are always nice. (2) Because of the same ‘church settings’, you sef will be careful not to cast yourself..lol. (3) Especially also as the church frowns at a male worker going to visit a female worker alone(of course people do it sha). So you see Iyke why i said being an eligible bachelor in church is not so easy?
HOW IT BEGAN
Anyway Iyke, in church i have many female friends who are workers too, so we always gist before or after church and all that. I was always very careful not to ‘cross the boarders’ though. But i noticed that two of the ladies in particular were always doting on me. Would want to seat around me during workers meeting, when we are going to camp with the church bus, they will keep a seat for me, if anything is shared in church, they would keep for me, when we do exchange-of-gifts, they will always chose me for a partner etc.
Well yes, it was only fair that i reciprocated(so i will not act like i rebuffed it). But the thing is Iyke in my own eyes, we were just friends. We never went out on dates nor did we ever exchanged home visits. Yes, we talk a lot on phone, we chat very well on social networks but i never committed myself to anything more than that.I never asked them about their personal lives nor did i divulge any information about mine. So i can say this went on for a year or less.
In all this Iyke i had a girlfriend and we have been dating for 9 month(Of course i never told any of them. I mean i had no reason to, i was not asking them out or something). So, it was on the 9th month that my girlfriend and i agreed to get married and of course i took her to meet my Pastor, he gave us his blessings and we mapped out plans for our wedding. Iyke that was how the problem began. “So you have been deceiving me”, One of the ladies said to me. “Men!! So you have just been leading me on”, the other said to me. “I heard you brought your wife to church”, “So after wasting my time, i am not fit to be your wife abi”.”You have just been using me since”….Iyke my brother, it went on and on.
I became the topic in church and it was so bad that my Pastor called me to his office the following Sunday after church. “What kind of game are you playing bro..”? He asked. “I don’t understand Sir” I replied. “Some ladies came to meet me and said you deceived them”.” “That you have been dating them and now you have brought a wife to church”. Iyke my brother, i spent over one hour with my Pastor and explained everything. “You mean you never proposed to any of them”? He asked me when i finished talking. “No Sir”, i replied. He heaved a very deep sigh and sat back in his chair “That is why it’s not always good to make hasty judgement”. He said. “Sir, i have never proposed to anyone, i have never had a single meeting outside church with any of them”.”Ok, i’ve heard you, i will talk with them; you try and make peace with them but if you can’t, keep your distance, i will take care of it”. I thanked him and left. A month later, i did my marriage.
MY WIFE’s ARGUMENT
I told my wife everything that happened even before we got married. But she thinks that i played a role in what happened with those ladies. “How can they think that you want to marry them just because you were friendly?” She asked. “I am a woman and i know what i mean”. “There must be something you did that passed on the message”. “It is possible that you did not even know you were doing it or that you were ignorant of the implications of what you were doing”. Iyke no be small thing o for this me and my wife argument. So i mailed you to ask; “Can’t a man just be friends with a woman without the woman thinking that the man wants a relationship”?
GUESS IYKE’s COMMENT
Thank you for mail, i appreciate our communication too. Note that i really do not have all the answers. “Can a man and a woman be just friends”? I’ve heard this debate on many platforms, radio, TV etc with no logical conclusion. So this situation is not peculiar to you. Now your wife has a very strong argument, in as much as you you might want to feign naivety.
For the women: There are different stages in life and for a woman, there is a stage when she is really ready to get married and she expects that whoever approaches her at that stage of her life should know that she is ready to get married. When a woman makes a male friend at that stage of her life her body language spells all MARRIAGE. Some women would be vocal about it and tell you out rightly what they want while some will use actions to pass on the message.
For the men: A man who is yet to understand this stage of a woman is likely experience what you went through. I make reference to your wife’s comments- “There must be something you did that passed on the message”. “It is possible that you did not even know you were doing it or that you were ignorant of the implications of what you were doing”. I think i like more of “you were ignorant of the implications of what you were doing”. An action can mean little to a lady who is not ready for marriage but the same action can mean plenty to a lady who wants to get married. Which is why i began by saying – A man who is yet to understand this stage of a woman is likely experience what you went through –So “Can a man and a woman be just friends”?..Yes! Depending on what either of them wants. (1)”Do men really lead women on”? Well yes, a man can lead a woman on without knowing that he is doing that. (2)”or women just chose what they want to believe”? Well a woman can interpret a mans action to mean “what it should actually mean” without knowing that the man did not mean it that way. I like the quote that says “Assumption is the lowest form of intelligence” so i always advocate that people should communicate vocally and not make assumptions premised upon previous experience. I hope i made sense in answering your questions.
Thank you for sharing your TRUE STORY with GUESS IYKE. I wish you the best in whatever decision(s) you make plus please look out for comments on this thread. God bless u plenty.
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