Welcome to your talk show Impact Formula
Segment – Analysis of our Society’s Diaries (ASD)-(ANALYST’s OPINION)
Topic – I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another lady – how i reacted
Here is a TRUE STORY someone sent me, i had to share it with my ASD ANALYST’s – “I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another lady” – “how i reacted”.
How are you Iyke. I’m sorry that i cannot answer all you questions but the story is very simple: I go to my boyfriends’ house every other weekend. Because i have his house spare key; i go from school. I get there about 4 PM on Fridays’ and leave about 2 PM on Sundays’
So i spent my second weekend in June at his place. Iyke, we had plenty of sex so i cannot explain why he had to treat me like that. That Sunday morning, he said that he was going for a family meeting and that i should lock up properly as i leave.
I LEFT FOR SCHOOL
Iyke about 2 PM i was bored and decided to leave for school. I called him once i was ready and told him i was leaving and he said he will call me later to be sure i got to school safe. I got to school in less than 30 minutes so i can say i was in school about 2:40 PM.
I HAD TO GO BACK
About 30 minutes later “Suddenly” the weather changed and it was obvious it was going to rain badly. Iyke i realized that i did not close his room windows and the last time that happened when it rained badly, his foam was badly soaked. Hey, his house is less than 30 minutes away from my school. “It was worth it”.
CAUGHT IN THE ACT
I quickly jumped up and off i was. Ironically because the rain was coming, it seemed like everyone was on the road so it took me one hour to get to his house. Iyke, first of all, i was shocked to see his car parked outside. But i said “maybe it was the rain”, “how come he did not call me? I took out my keys and unlocked the door and entered. I walked straight to his room ..Sure; the door was open. Iyke what did i see?..My boyfriend was having sex with a girl. That i was shocked would be an understatement. “I gave him all the sex he needed,why is he doing this”?
HOW I REACTED
Iyke, my bag fell to the floor, that was even what caught their attention. I screamed his name “why are you doing this”? I picked up my bag and ran out. To my shock Iyke, he did not come after me. Later that night he called and called but i did not pick. He sent me a WhatsApp message “i can explain”!! In fact,i blocked him.
Iyke, i am asking two questions; (1) Did i do the right thing(by running out) when i walked in on them having sex? (2) Should i listen to his explanation?
It’s actually a good thing she did not do anything. Don’t do anything. She should let her feelings calm down. Regardless of what she has discovered, there’s no need to go around trashing the person who’s cheated on her, or even the one he did it with. She should stay above the betrayal.
Don’t let the lies and deceit of your boyfriend drag you down into the gutter with them. Keep your deep sense of personal dignity and healthy self-worth. You only make matters worse by acting out of anger and confusion. The whole world doesn’t need to know you have been violated. Like my friend once told me, you will only make him apologize when you ignore him and pretend as if nothing actually happened. Eat well, sleep well, move on with your daily activities.. it will prick his conscience and make him start asking himself questions. Don’t even try to get even.
Now for the second question, it depends on if you want him back. If you still want to work things out with him, then you will have to make sure that he has severed all contact with the person he cheated with, that he’s taking responsibility for what he did — not blaming you — and that he’s willing to do whatever is needed to make you feel safe again. Only then can you guys start rebuilding your relationship.
Without trust, you can not have any sort of love connection. And once you have lost it, it’s hard to get it back.He will have to understand that you need time to regain your trust in him.
But importantly, whether you chose to be with him again or not, you have to forgive him. This does not mean you condone his behavior, but rather to accept whatever happened between you two and choose to move forward so you can be happy again. And more importantly, you have to trust yourself, if you don’t, it is going to be hard to move on.
1. I won’t say she reacted well or not, what i will say is she did the best she could under that circumstance. The event is a shock, and we behave in unexpected and sometimes irrational ways when we are shocked. Shock can make a usually calm person to dish out dirty slaps and vice versa. So babe! You did what you had to do, that was your best as at that moment.
2. If she intends to give the guy a chance to explain (because of the feelings she has for him, and for what they had going till the incident), I think she should stay back at school and let the man come over and explain himself. Time and venue of her choice. I would advise a public place when he can’t press her mumu buttons due to lack of privacy. That is the listening part. The giving him another chance part, that’s a different issue entirely. Here is my analysis
A. Men and women are different. This lady thinks she “satisfies” her man with all the sex, and if a woman satisfies a man with all the sex he needs, he won’t have sex with another woman. Obviously the man isn’t satisfied. I think something is amiss. It’s either someone’s fantasy isn’t satisfied, or someone is ignorant, or someone is greedy, or someone is spreading legs too often.
B. It is said that once unmarried couples are having lots of sex, it bars them from engaging each other and learning more about each other. It’s obvious that the lady doesn’t know the man very much. I think she isn’t the only one on the man’s list, but she thought she was until bumped on him having sex. The man too should visit her in school, and engage her in conversations on her own turf.
C. If she chooses to continue with the relationship, then various issues will have to be addressed. Firstly, why the man cheated, and how to plug the holes. Mutually agreed steps that the man should take to regain her trust. Start a process of vulnerability with each other where they each admit areas of addictions, and how to help each other overcome the addictions. Submit to mentor-ship with an older couple. Among other things.
Before answering your questions my friend, I’d like delve into the serious things i noticed while reading this and also answer your questions.
(1) Did i do the right thing when i walked in on them having sex?
Of course you did, wouldn’t have been cool to watch the whole scene with another girl dressing up right in front of you, wouldn’t have been a pleasant scene i tell you.
(2) Should i listen to his explanation?
300% yes, that’s how you know where you stand.
The points I noticed were:
1. You gave enough sex not to do this (Sounded familiar)
2. When you left he didn’t even run after you.
3. He actually knew you were off to school.
I understand this feeling and i will tell you the truth, you are going to hear (since you were standing right there) and see that scene for a very long time. There are no sweet words anyone can say to erase that trust me. I can’t help you make choices but can only tell you the truth to the best of my knowledge. This all happened to help you make tough choices and we all make them at one point in life.
From all you said, it’s obvious it was intentional but not meant for you to see. When a man doesn’t want you to see something like this, He makes a plan and obviously he failed.
My point is as crazy as it sounds he had the option to put you away without doing it this way. So there is a possibility he cares, to what extent well, you will find out on your own. Respect and love work hand-in- hand people cheat and still respect their partners. I’ve seen a girl bashing a guy for saying abusive words about her bf even when she actually cheated.
Truth is, people will always cheat even the ones we don’t believe would, not everyone does this, but it happens all the time. Why it happens still eludes me till date.
On my second point, there must be a reason why he didn’t run after you, but we can’t judge him for that, a lot of things could have happened this is not the time for WHYS and WHAT IFS
First, you just have to talk to him; you can’t shut him out without hearing from him. I bet a lot of people will want you out of that relationship ASAP, but you can’t just do that and you know I’m right cause it won’t hurt you if you don’t love him, right?
So here’s what i think you should do.
TO HIM: talk and find out where the relationship is heading, stay away from running insults on him and all that nasty stuffs it won’t help. no need to talk about how many times you gave yourself to him to satisfy him cause that not the point here.
FOR YOURSELF: This is time to make tough decisions; do you love him enough to continue? Because after all the sex you gave him it happened, and i can’t pretend or lie to you it won’t happen again, i can only lay the cards down. Look at my third point and understand why i say this.
I’m always blunt, so I’ll like to say, where’s the relationship heading without love and what’s Love without trust. I believe this will say alot to you and also help you find answers.
Hmmm,this is a serious issue. No one ever dream of seeing such a thing, but you did well by leaving,it’s for the best ,it shows how responsible and respectful you are and I salute your manner. You should not be seen fighting or publicly arguing over someone who did that to you. It’s not worth it.
Truly,he should “run” after you to beg,plead or try and say something but he did not. Do you know why? YOU ARE NOT HIS WOMAN. You are just ONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS , ONE OF MY BABES , THAT BABE,you know what I mean? He doesn’t see you as THE ONE,He is not serious about you like you are about him.
Now,let’s see it this way,you should definitely listen to him but seriously, he will tell you “IT’S JUST A FLING and AM SO SORRY and also IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN ” Am talking from experience,some guys are just like that and so my advice for you is to listen to him if you feel like listening but give it a deep thought.
What I haven’t seen doesn’t irritate me but once I saw it and it was awful,annoying and disrespectful, I gave it time and I decided on what I WANTED. I loved him but I stood my ground on what I wanted.Its not easy but I made it out successfully.
It all depends on what you really want. If you want him back,give it time,it will heal,it you don’t, he is a boyfriend not your husband, you have every right to decide, he doesn’t own you,you are trying to make something out of the relationship but if you do not see what you want,you can still back out.
Lastly,be firm in your decision, what become of you in future depends solely on who you choose to marry now.
I always start with thanking my reliable analyst. I have a full house on this; Chamii, Jeremiah, Mr.Wells and Zainab..You guys rock!!!! – “I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another lady” – “how i reacted”.
FIRST QUESTION – Did i do the right thing(by running out) when i walked in on them having sex?
Walking out of such scenario could mean;
1/ “I am done with this guy”. If that is the case, you acted well…Some people will see such, walk away and never come back, no matter how much sermon the guy preaches…If u fall in that category, then you acted well.
2/ If you do not think you are done with the guy; Walking out could be a big blunder. I’ll tell you why. If indeed you still want anything with that guy, walking out then has made the job a lot easier for the guy. He can always call you after you have left and spin any yarn (after all the other girl is not there). For all you know, he is playing you and playing the girl you caught him with.
However, if you had asked him there and then; “What is this”? “Who is this”? Right in front of the girl. Truth be told; “somebody has to take the fall”.”Either you or the girl you caught him with”. There and then by his response you will know where you stand with this guy. If he can say to the girl you caught him with…”This is my girlfriend”..”Please you have to leave”..Then he has accorded you respect (at least what is left of it)…That counts for a “big thing”. But if he plays smart, it is obvious he has never told the girl about you and the girl might even think you are the “intruder”…Then he is obviously “playing both of you”. Since you walked away, you are only at the mercy of his “stories”.
Yes granted, one can argue that staying back in such scenario could be ” a recipe for violence”. Good argument. However, it all depends on how you approach it. shouting and making trouble is childish as much as displaying calmness is maturity (not so easy though).
SECOND QUESTION – Should i listen to his explanation?
You can now see why i said that “If you do not think you are done with the guy; Walking out could be a big blunder”. I mean, he will spin a yarn(definitely). After you walked out, the girl you caught him in act with could be anyone; “A girl i just met”, “She’s just a fling”, “It’s you i love”, “She means nothing to me”….bla bla bla. The girl is not there na so he can sing all the songs.
Let your heart plus you head lead you. “We will show you the doors, you will choose the one to open yourself”.
Thank you for your TRUE STORY. I hope you can find some lesson from our diverse opinion. Plus i wish you the best in any decision you make.
We really are all learners and i appreciate YOU my ANALYST’s for sharing your opinion. I look forward to more topics and your contributions. Thank you so much as we continue the conversation on this thread. Thank you for viewing Guess Iyke’s (ASD). You can join also our team of ANALYST’s.