Welcome to your talk show Impact Formula
Segment – Analysis of our Society’s Diaries (ASD)-(ANALYST’s OPINION)
Topic – If your partner starts to get violent, at what stage should you inform your parents? Or you should not at all?
Key notes: I completely agree that affairs of marriage should be kept and resolved between husband and wife so that external forces do not destroy their marriage. However, is there an exception to domestic violence? Some women, in their bid to keep quiet have lost their lives or have been maimed. So i am asking; If your partner starts to get violent, at what stage should you inform your parents? Or you should not at all?
Chamii could not join us today
I don’t see any sense in telling one’s parents. In my own opinion. Here is my analysis:
Firstly, its usually disastrous to inform parents or relatives of marital crises between couples. This is why the much touted advice of: never involve third parties comes from. However, I believe in involving sensible, non-relative third parties like counselors and coaches. Parents and relatives often tend to take sides, and offer advice based on their limited perspective, and emotional baggage. They are often ill-equipped to advice people anyway, often dishing out cultural 16th century advice to a 21st century couple.
Secondly, For a marriage to really work, each spouse is to cut apron strings from their parents. Or else, where is the maturity? Apart from the Bible saying man to leave parent and cleave to wifey, it doesn’t make sense to me to be married to a mummy’s boy or a daddy’s girl abeg. Anybody in that category should grow up first, before marrying.
Thirdly, on the issue of domestic violence, if MOPOL slaps a matured, grown up person, do you call your parents to help you fix it, or you fix it yourself? In a marital situation, an abused spouse should cry out for help to those who can help. There is WAPA (Ministry of Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation – Just another Lagos …wapa.lagosstate.gov.ng/).
There are counselors. Physically abused spouses are advised to separate from their spouses first, then invite the aggressive spouse for counseling, anger management and rehabilitation. I sincerely don’t see the usual Prayers, just-endure-it and church deliverance working in domestic violence situations.
Finally, If my spouse gets physically abusive, my first action (because I love her greatly) would be to separate to a safe haven, rather than report her to the authorities. If I am not financially powerful to rent an apartment, I would squat with a trusted friend. Then I open all channels of communication with her (calls, text, and middle men), and insist she goes for counseling, and also join her as the counseling progresses to learn what triggers her temper, and how I can help avoid pressing those triggers. Then based on the counselor’s recommendation, I would move back tentatively and we watch the situation.
Mr.Wells could not join us today
Zee could not join us today
Thank you Chams, J, Wells and Zee. I will always appreciate you guys…ALWAYS…There will be no ASD without you peeps. Gracias.
If your partner starts to get violent, at what stage should you inform your parents? Or you should not at all?
This is a very sensitive topic and i will tread carefully. Truth be told, many women have lost their lives to violent men just because they chose to be quiet, they chose to protect their man, they chose to protect their marriage. Eventually they paid the ultimate price, with their life.
Now, i agree completely that involving external forces in marriages can damage a marriage..So TRUE! Many peeps be like:
If i tell my parents, they will lose respect for my spouse
If i tell my parents, they will ask me to leave my spouse
If i tell my parents, their relationship with my spouse will nose dive
As so on….So “if your partner starts to get violent” what will one do? There really might never be a “One size fits all” kind of answer to this question. I pray that wisdom should really prevail.
I think one should talk to his/her partner after a violent display. When tension has been doused and given the right timing. The abused party should talk about it with his/her partner and lay out the dangers of the situation. I do not think it will be wise to involve a third party on the first instance(especially not the parents).
If the ‘violent abuse’ happens a second time, it might just be important that a third party be informed(especially for the safety of the abused party). This third party might not necessarily be parents of the abused party. It could be a religious leader or Government bodies set up for such reasons.
If you inform your parents that your husband physically abused you; your parents will lose respect for your husband. That is a fact. Yet informing your parents might become inevitable as regardless of how biased we might think they will be in such a situation, i doubt if anyone else can support you more under such crisis than your family.
This topic requires great wisdom. When you remember that many women have lost their lives just because they want to protect their marriage, you only have to encourage people to find the best way to speak up.
We really are all learners and i appreciate YOU my ANALYST’s for sharing your opinion. I look forward to more topics and your contributions. Thank you so much as we continue the conversation on this thread. Thank you for viewing Guess Iyke’s (ASD). You can join also our team of ANALYST’s.